Many people have been asking exactly what it is I will be doing in Edinburgh, Scotland. I’ve given a variety of answers, and that’s because the opportunities being offered to me have been and still are constantly evolving. But I wanted to sit down and write out an explanation of what I’m doing, why I’m doing it and how you can help me in my work. I also wanted to answer the question in the title as well as several other questions I’m frequently asked. To that end, I’ve separated this piece into two parts. In the first, I will detail what has been happening in my life and how it has led me to select my particular course of study. In the second, I’ll answer several of those frequently asked questions and end with a word of thanks to you, my dearest friends and family.
But to tell the story of Edinburgh, I have to take you back a couple of years. As some of you know, in the Spring of 2008, I underwent something of an emotional crisis and breakdown that included the end of a serious relationship, my early resignation from the Resident Assistant program at Liberty University and almost culminated in a decision to drop out of seminary. What most of you don’t know is that what followed was a two-year struggle with serious intellectual doubts about Christianity, and a state that I can only call “Spiritual Depression.” Believe me when I tell you that it was the most difficult time of my life to date, and I wouldn’t wish the nights of agony and confusion on my worst enemy. However, those two years have given me a perspective I could never have had otherwise. You read the Bible differently when you feel crushed by doubt. If you pray at all, you pray differently when you wonder if anyone is listening. There were days I felt I’d fallen away entirely, and days when I was full of hope, though not peace. There were good days, bad days, and awful days.
Eventually, I sought out friends and confessed my doubts. I was very careful about who I shared these things with. Modern Christians are sometimes trained to think that any significant spiritual issue can be solved in 15 minutes with a stern encouragement to read more Bible verses, pray more frequently and listen to the ever elusive “voice of God,” whatever that means. I wanted to talk with people I knew would listen, who would not try to “fix” me in 15 minutes (or less!), who wouldn’t panic at the word “doubt,” and who would be willing to come alongside me, lovingly shoulder my burdens, and walk at my pace. To that end, I am thankful for Elder Mike Sharrett of Redeemer Presbyterian Church, Rory Tyer, and Dan Church. These men were willing to let the struggle take two years, or more, if that’s what needed to happen. Would that all Christians could learn such patience in their discipleship of others.
The first lights came when I began to read Martin Luther and discover that he too had had powerful battles with doubt. Just realizing that I wasn’t alone, that other good Christian men had struggled with this (even ones so notable as Luther) was a wonderful encouragement. I no longer felt isolated or hopeless. More lights came with the work of C.S. Lewis who reminded me what Christianity was and what it wasn’t—a critical thing to understand if you are thinking about Christianity at all. Some powerful resolutions to the dissonance of doubt came with Tim Keller’s work, The Reason for God, which I commend to all.
The turning point came in a commissioning service for the new pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian Church in Forrest, VA (it’s my understanding that this church has been renamed—forgive me, I don’t know the new name). I watched the Church be the Church. I witnessed joyful worship. I listened to a sobering call to the new pastor to love his family. I watched a compassionate community care for the hurting among them. In addition to my intellectual doubts being helped greatly by Lewis and Keller, my heart longed for a place in this holy community of unconditional love, joyful faith and intellectual depth. Since that service, my perspective on Christianity has changed significantly. I know that I am not the inheritor of a political party or a social agenda or an American creation. I am a follower of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, a 1st century Jew who claimed to be the Son of Yahweh. He cast a vision for what it meant to follow Him, delivered a gospel of hope, joy and liberation that invites me to a new, better, more joyful existence and died to give me that life, in spite of my filth, failures, blasphemy, my hatred of God and others, and even my doubt and unbelief, and secured it all with a Resurrection.
Now, I know many of my friends, family and professors probably want to read the words “And now all the doubt is gone, all the faith is restored and everything is wonderful.” I’m sorry to disappoint you. Many of the doubts are still there. I’m still a work in progress. But I’ve decided to trust Jesus in the meantime, because against all odds, it seems to me to be the most reasonable and desirable thing to do. Christianity gives me a realistic picture of myself and the world around me, and then provides for me a way to deal with that self and that world that is an infinitely better option than anything I’ve found.
Perhaps now you will better appreciate my course of study set to begin this September at Edinburgh. My PhD research will focus on Martin Luther and his remedies for his own doubt and spiritual depression. Luther was crushed by his doubt, but there was light at the end of his tunnel. When he found peace, he began to use what he learned to help others deal with their doubts. I want to take Luther’s work on doubt—everything from his personal accounts to his pastoral letters, and use them to form a methodology that can be used by pastoral counselors, pastors and laymen to heal doubt. This will involve making use of the disciplines of Historical Theology, Practical Theology and Psychology & Counseling.
So, why Edinburgh? Well, Dr. Smither recommended Edinburgh to me at the end of my Masters program at Liberty, but I never really took it seriously. I’ve never been “that guy” that wants to fly off to Europe for four years. Give me my kitchen table, my books and a cup of coffee and I’m happy. But about a year ago when (with the help of Rory and my father) I began piecing this idea together to study Luther and Doubt, I discovered Dr. Simon Podmore at the University of Edinburgh, who’s specializations included 1) Martin Luther, 2) Doubt and Spiritual Depression, 3) Psychology and Practical Theology. As you might imagine, I became very excited and sent him an e-mail introducing myself and explaining my research interests. Dr. Podmore was very agreeable to my topic, and was no small help in securing my place at Edinburgh, and the rest is history.
But, a PhD program is not what I will start in September of this year. Technically speaking, I was not admitted to the PhD at Edinburgh. I was admitted to a one-year Masters of Theology (MTh), which will serve as a sort of preparatory year. If I prove to the faculty of Edinburgh that I am capable of three years of PhD-level research, I will be admitted to the PhD in September of 2011. Additionally (and very sadly), Dr. Podmore will not be remaining at the University of Edinburgh. His post has ended and he will be seeking employment elsewhere. But this is not the end of the world for several reasons:
1) At the end of my MTh at Edinburgh, I have the option to transfer schools, to complete my PhD work elsewhere. If it seems suitable to transfer to where Dr. Podmore moves so I can continue my research under his supervision, I will do so.
2) Dr. Podmore has offered to co-supervise my work from wherever he will be in the coming months and years. This means we will keep in touch through e-mail, skype and the occasional visit by train, and he will continue to advise me as my research develops.
3) Perhaps most importantly, it’s my understanding that the University of Edinburgh frowns on students doing “double duty” for their Masters and Doctoral work. In other words, they wouldn’t want me doing “Martin Luther and Doubt” for an MTh thesis topic and then just copying and pasting that into my doctoral dissertation some two years later. So I’ll have to choose an entirely different direction for the moment, and for the year. I’m presently considering a number of topics including:
- The objective value of faith and religious belief in a secular age
- Reconciliation and Peacemaking
- The English Puritans and the development of Reformational Counseling
- C.S. Lewis on the nature of sin, doubt and faith.
So there's the answer, and my story. I'll publish another post in the next day or two, answering questions that I've been getting from a lot of you including questions about where I'll be living, visiting me in Scotland, what to pray for, and how to stay in touch with me.
